Rant Twosie: We All Fall Down Like Dominoes

                                                                     V for Vendetta <3                                                                                           

   Yay, another review! Are you guys excited? Well it’s not like it matters because I’m writing this anyways, so I will subsequently pretend that you said yes. Today’s victim *cough cough* critique shall be something I regret spending my money on from a Scholastic Bookfair at school. 

   I originally brought this book because the author was credited in being a New York Times bestselling author, but I suppose that was a mistake on my part. 

But let’s get started already. The book I will be reviewing today is All Fall Down, an Embassy Row novel by Ally Carter, and one of the biggest pains in my literary butt. 

  *Spoiler Alert*  You might keep reading, not that it matters— I’d rather advise you not to buy it. 

_______

   This is the synopsis, word for word (with maybe a bit of commentary…only a wee bit)

Grace Blakely is absolutely sure of three things (b/c she doesn’t have the mental capacity beyond three things) 

1. SHE IS NOT CRAZY (Author wrote this in caps for some reason, huh…)
2. HER MOTHER WAS MURDERED (OMG, JUST LIKE FINDING NEMO, except her mom isn’t a clownfish, probably just a clown. Bet that’s the plot twist)
3. SOMEDAY SHE IS GOING TO FIND THE KILLER AND MAKE HIM PAY (Twenty bucks, man, gotta buy me some plot convenience)

                                                          haha: Stormtroopers on prowl for the plot

As certain as Grace is about these facts, nobody else believes her— so there’s no one she can completely trust (look, ma, I could almost wager my allowance that this line is copy and pasted from every single book EVER) . 

Not her grandfather, a powerful ambassador. Not her new friends (she has friends?), who all live in Embassy Row. 

                                                                    luke: Nooooooo

Not Alexei (facepalms and slams head on desk over and over…NOT ANOTHER ONE>…), the Russian boy who lives next door, who is keeping his eye on Grace for reasons she neither likes nor understands 

(WTF? {World Taekwondo Federation btw} How does she dislike a reason if she doesn’t understand it?). 

   Everybody wants Grace to put on a pretty dress and a pretty smile, blocking out all her unpretty thoughts 

(…….yay, a conflicted protagonist with societal problems who only complains about her problems without actually doing anything…so original, where do I sign up?) 

                                                                     Aslogicalasthis

But they can’t control Grace (just put a restraining order on her for crying out loud…) — no more than Grace can control what she knows or what she needs to do.

(How the heck do you control what you know? Is this another Obi-Wan mind trick thingie? Control the force, Luke….) 

                                                                                 thinkLuke

  

Her past has come to haunt her….and if she doesn’t stop it, Grace isn’t the only one who will get hurt. Because on Embassy Row, the countries of the world stand like dominoes, and one wrong move can make them all fall down

(frick…roll credits already much? I can’t believe they used this simile…should have used Jenga).

                                                                               Jenga

Do you know what I think? 

This teenage blogger is absolutely sure of three things. 

1. This book is as original as every single Twilight fan fiction about Jacob Black. 

                                                   I have no words for this...it's too cringy

2.  Alexei is the Russian version of Edward Cullen (maybe that’s why he has his eye on her….OMG..Grace is Bella. Grace is Bella from Twilight, except she is slightly more psycho…OMG my entire life was a lie) 

                                                Edward: That was my oreo you ate

3. Even a New York pretzel cart has more exciting twists in its pretzels than this book does

                                                                      Hehe: 

  Now all of you outraged fans, please calm down, I will even cite information from this book, despite the heavy risk that it might bring down a few of my IQ points. First order of business— the stereotypes. Introducing Lila, the stereotype of every single mean girl ever of the book. Just look at how edgy she is with her dialogue: “Get out of here, loser!” (Carter 50). Oh my gosh, what a burn, whoever received that should be roasted by now…

      

                                                                          Dis guy

  

 Here is an excerpt. “She was here!” Lila shouts, pointing at Rosie. “That little terror was here and it’s her fault!” 

(OMG THE DEADLY FINGER POINT, WHAT A SAVAGE…)

    

Megan (Grace’s friend who always stands up for what is good and right, I’ve seen several versions of her in cliche novels, what a surprise…) steps towards her. “Lila, it’s—-“ 

“Do not talk to me!” Lila snaps. 

(I bet Megan was going to say, “Lila, it’s okay if you are a minor character, you will still get to piss off fans by sleeping with Alexei. Lila: This book had fans? Megan: We are trying to get ones that are actually alive, so far, we only have the electronic ones. Lila: …..) 

“Okay, Lila, let’s go.” Noah takes his sister’s arm. “Go home, Rosie, Megan. Everybody just go—“ 

I have this habit. It’s not a good one.

(UH OH, let me guess. Is this habit accusing every man with a scar of being your mom’s murderer, b/c that’s clearly not a mental problem). 

It’s not like I’m proud of it or anything, but sometimes I find things funny when they really, really aren’t.

(I bet she laughs a lot when she reads her character description). 

                                                                   moldyvoldy: This is Grace's future

  

Here is what really bothers me. Pages 52 to 53. This is when Lila’s scarf flies away because it couldn’t deal with her level of savagery:

  “I can get it,” I say. 

  “Really, Grace?” Noah asks. I can hear his impatience, his nerves. “What can you do?” 

  “This,” I say. (Yaas, Grace, you can say a four letter word, that will undoubtedly solve all of your problems as well as making you look like a Jason Bourne kickass character). 

  I don’t stop for anything. Not for protests, not for logic. I don’t care about the height of the cliffs or the rocks that line the shore. 

  I run as hard and as fast as I can toward the ledge and then I reach out my arms, swan-diving into the sea. 

   Remember the whole part in the synopsis, where she was all like : Grace Blakely knows three things. 1. SHE IS NOT CRAZY? 

  It was even in caps. Huh, I guess jumping off a cliff to get a scarf that doesn’t even belong to you is perfectly normal behavior. I should try it sometime. 

That brings me to the next item of business. Conflicts. 

                                                         YouShallNotPAss

 I suppose one of the character conflicts was the whole gender discrimination problem for Grace, but it is sloppily done. Just look at this: 

  “Now, Grace, if you’ll excuse us for a moment, I need to borrow your grandfather (don’t worry, girl, I will return him with interest so you can buy your plot convenience stuff). Official business. Man stuff.”

(Man stuff? I bet they are going to go and watch the Cheetah Girls. Gracie’s just mad b/c she thinks Mean Girls is so much better, it even stars Lila in three different characters.) 

  So Gracie is mad that he said “man stuff.” Personally, I don’t really care, if it is her grandfather’s friend, then they grew up in an era where women were given less freedoms, so that’s why he talked like that. I’m not saying it’s acceptable, but it’s not like Grace does anything or even tells him or explains to him why it might be hurtful, she does the usual thing that everybody else does. 

  She says to her guardian, “So you’re going to kill the prime-minister in his sleep?” 

                                                                darth

 So while Grace can dive off a cliff to save a scarf, she is unwilling to politely tell someone her point of view and help that guy avoid hurting womens’ feelings in the future. Totally logical. 

                                                              quicksilver;(

  Moving on to point number two. Alexei. Friggin Alexei. Gee, a hot male character who is so charming and mysterious and likes the protagonist for some reason, so original, where can I join? It’s not so much as the fact that he is hot and charming that bothers me, it is the fact that he is absolutely bland. Alexei is like morning Fruit loops put in water instead of milk. Yeah, I went there. He stalks Grace because he has no life of his own and also b/c she is his brother’s friend. Seriously, brother’s friend. If you actually read the book, you will understand, but I still advise you not to read it, maybe borrow it from the library. It’s really not worth buying. 

                                                                spiderman

  Here is a taste of his manliness. 

“…all I can think is that Alexei is here. Alexei is looking at me. And Alexei is wearing a tux (DUN DUN DUN!!!!) 

  “You look very lovely this evening.” 

(I bet he said that to her while holding a mirror to his own face). 

  His accent is heavier as he says it. And being all slicked and shaved (gotta shave for dat beach body) and tuxedoed like he is, a more gullible girl might be impressed— she might even swoon a little. But whatever swooning I’m doing is entirely tight-dress related. I swear it is.” 

(oooo, Alexei just got put down a peg by her dress…) 

                                                          legolas<3 : Uhhh, NO ShE DIDNT!!

  “…I’m turning away when he catches my arm, pulls me to him (raises eyebrow and sips tea). His arm goes around my waist. His other hand takes mine and before I realize what is happening, we’re dancing. 

   ‘I’m not talking to you,’ I tell him.

(PFffffffttttt….seriously, that’s got to be the stupidest line ever. ‘I am not talking to you?’ Are you just telepathically communicating, then?) 

                                                                        lol

  This is what happens several paragraphs of unnecessary action later:

“Me?” I snap before I realize what I’m saying, “You’re the one who disappeared (HE’S THE INVISIBLE MAN>>>>) You went upstairs. Were you there?” I shout. “Answer me, Alexei! Were you with him?” 

    (If by him, you mean, Lila, I think he was, Grace). 

                                                   dat face

“With who?” he says, but then shakes the words away. “Let’s get you home. We have to—“ 

   “I’m not crazy!” I’m shouting so loudly that dogs bark. (See, even animals think you are crazy). 

                                                   sheldon

  <<Several plot holes later>>

“You want to hear that, right? I mean that’s what they told you. That’s why Jaimie is so worried about his crazy kid sister. Because— news flash— she really is crazy.” (9-1-1, there is an emergency, a Mary Sue character has just went through her stage of denial that lasted for 118 pages). 

                                                             hermione: DID YOU SAY MARY SUE?>>

<<Several more plot holes later>>

“…but I doubt Alexei even hears me. His arms grow tighter as my legs grow weaker, and then he is sweeping me up into his arms. As I curl into the warmth of his chest (damn, this guy is a solar radiator, where can I buy him?) 

I know that I should fight and protest, talk about my rights as a strong, independent woman.

(Cough cough, that’s why you didn’t stand up for your fellow women with the prime-minister, didn’t you?)

  But the fact that I don’t have any strength to walk anymore undermines any argument I might make….. I am the one thing I despise: weak and docile and frail 

(you forgot pathetic, stupid, and crazy). 

I am so frail, it’s like I have no muscle, no bones. I am nothing but a pounding head and a thousand electrical wires pulsing inside a pale pink gown. (Plot twist: she is a robot). 

I am nothing as I say another final time, “He’s here.” 

(He’s here- the Phantom of the Operaaaa!!) 

                                                            Phantom<3

Putting all jokes aside, this is the real issue with the book. The writing is ok, and I suppose the concept of embassies being together in one street in a make believe country could constitute as legit, but there are so many gaps in plot and there is practically no character development. The main character is so hypocritical and the flashbacks are made so that they confuse the reader rather than shedding light on the past. 


The final plot twist really made me want to throw this book across the room, but the real problem are the cliches. It was really a pain going through this, and I believe the author has far more talent than this and that she could really do better. I know I joked about the whole New York Bestselling author thing, but if that is true, then I was really disappointed. 

  However…..if you happen to enjoy tasteless characters with a hot Russian guy and a total savage cheerleader gal, then this is definitely the book for you!!!





******

Signing off,

Ink-Rights